Today my worst fear came true, again. Yet another round of treatment has failed to get control of the melanoma in my lungs. Naturally, I am extremely upset right now. It is becoming much more difficult to try and maintain a positive outlook on things.
The news today was much worse than previous visits. It seems that the progression this time was more severe than it had been in the past. Even though the doctors are telling me that things are relatively small, it is not comforting news to me.
Right now I am in shock and incredibly angry. Angry at a lot of things. This news is just incredibly painful to accept. Plans that I had made are yet again being pushed away, the future yet again filed with uncertainness. I just want my fucking life back. I want to move forward, not be stuck in a holding pattern. I’ve been dealing with this for a year now, trying anything and everything. Yet there are still no fucking answers, just more questions.
It’s going to be a rough couple of weeks. I was feeling kind of depressed as it was. I had a few things I was looking forward to and planning, but now a lot of that will have to be put on hold. Like this triathlon I had been training for in a few weeks. It looks like next week I will probably be back in the hospital on Interleukin II again. A week of that will pretty much negate any training that I have done. There is pretty much no way that I will be able to swim 1000 meters, bike 29 miles, and run a ten K a week after I get out. I have also been thinking strongly about moving back to New York City and concentrating on my career. I’m not so sure about that now. Hell, moving anywhere. I’m stuck back at my parents’ house, living in the town I never liked living in. I don’t really have any friends here anymore, nobody to talk to or go out with or just to do things with to take my mind off of all of this shit.
I haven’t been this scared in a long time, if ever. Hearing the bad news doesn’t get easier, it gets harder. The more times you hear it, the less hope you have. You try to ignore the statistics and the negative facts, but you can’t. I can’t help but wonder what is going to happen to me.
I can not rationalize any of this. This doesn’t make sense to me. Just about everything I think of is pissing me off. There is a lot of rage in me right now, as well as a deep sadness. I’m too sad to even cry. I don’t want to do anything. There’s nothing to say. Nothing anyone can say to me. I feel emotionally numb. I’m trying to get excited about something. Anything. I can’t think of anything at the moment. I don’t even want to listen to the new Dinosaur Jr. album- the first one with the original lineup in nearly two decades- that I downloaded last night, hours after its release.
It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. If it was a nice day, I might go out for a long bike ride to take my mind off of things. But if I wake up tomorrow to the sound of raindrops pelting my window, I probably won’t even want to get out of bed. I’m not looking forward to waking up tomorrow. I just want to stay in my dreams, where none of this shit will be there to bother me. Actually, I hope I don’t have any dreams tonight. If I dream, than I only get to wake up to disappointment. I’ve had enough of that, I don’t need anymore.
Fuck, how the hell am I supposed to cope with this? I don’t have any fucking clue. I just wish I could go back in time and change things. Can’t help but think if only I had caught this sooner I wouldn’t be in this situation. I would have gone on with my life and been doing whatever it is people do with their lives. I’d still have worries, like car payments and global warming, but I wouldn’t be questioning how much time I might have before I die. That’s a pretty damn tough thing to have to think about. Nobody has given me any sort of timetable (and that’s good), but it doesn’t stop me from worrying. I mean, I’m not talking about a broken bone or a torn ACL, I’m dealing with fucking cancer.
I’m trying hard to be positive, I really am. But it’s not easy. The fear is overwhelming, nearly paralyzing. I feel like I’m looking out into a void, wondering what is out there. I’m looking for some light, but for now all I see is darkness out there. Even if there is light at the end of this tunnel, I know it is going to be a rough road. The IL2 treatment beats the shit out of you. If it works this time, I’m certainly willing to take it. A few days in hell is a small price to pay to get this shit out of my body. And it showed signs of working the last time. And in conjunction with the last round of therapy, it might be just the combination I need to defeat this once and for all.
I should know what is going to happen next in a few days. My doctor has to make a few calls, talk to a few people, before coming up with a game plan. But until then, it’s going to be a rough week of waiting. At least when I’m in treatment, I feel like I’m fighting, being proactive. Right now I just want to hide away, though. Disappear. Disconnect from reality. I wish I knew what to say to make me feel better, but I don’t. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. I just want it to go away.
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