This completely sucks

Tuesday mornng I headed down to NY presbyterian, thinking I would be preparing for radiation treatments to help relieve this terrible cough I hve been daling with for the last month. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Due to progression of the disease in my liver, a differnt course of action is going to be taken.

The big difference is that I will now be recieving chemotherapy. This is not the best news I could hear. Chemotherapy response rates in menanoma patients are less than spectacular, which is why I have not recieved chemo treatments in the past. Another eason that I have not had chemo before was because chemo is effective against fast growing cancers. Up until now, it has been growing very slowly according to the doctors.

For the first time, I actually am feeling sick. Weeks of coughning have irritated various muscles around my core, creating constant pain. Even with regular doses of oxycontin, I am in constant pain, and every cough feels like I have taken a body blow from Muhammed Ali. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure, bith phsically and mentally. Previous treatments, broken bones, ecovery from surgery, even Mrs. Race's sixth grade from Hell at least had the promise of being over if I just waited long enough. But this time there are no certain answers. No telling how much longer this wil go on.

Chemo also will cause significant changes. My year-long attempt to grow long, flowing locks will be halted, and I will have to adopt he Mr. Clean look. Someone told me yesterday to expect to "lose hair wher you wouldn't think it would fall out." Well, at least it will be less painful than a Brazillian. Also related to that region, I have been advised to consider sperm banking. Oooookaaaayyyy. This was something I never had to think about before. But in the next few days I'm going to have to decide if I want to freeze my, um, genetic sample in case certain parts of me are never the same again. And I have no idea when I will drink another beer.

I really just want this whole thing to be over with, and quickly. Two weeks ago when they told me they wouldn't start radiation until July 13, I thought "I can't last another month like this." It might be even longer than that now until I'm back to normal. It's really hard right now. I'm in constant pain, and the pills don't seem to be helping all that much. I keep taking them, wondering how much pain I would be in if I stopped. There are a lot of questions, and no answers, and I guess that's the hardest thing to deal with right now.