hospital time

Well, I have now been stuck in the damn hospital since the 16th, and still have no clue when I'm getting the hell out. It's so mentally taxing to be going through all of this. Earlier this week I had an epidural put in my spine to help control some of the pain. Forf the most part, it's owking out, but it's not 100% under control yet.

I'll probably be here in Cooperstown a few more days. I don't think they want to send me home until I finish up my next few doses of chemo and radiation. Hopefully by that point they will feel comfortable sending me home to recover. I think this is the longest I have ever been in the hospital. It really sucks, too. I'm so tired of this bed, and I just wish I could get outside and breathe a breath of fresh air. This is really putting a lot of things into perspective.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be home soon, sitting in the sunshine, thinking about snow.

Lessions in strength

Well, guys, the last few weeks could best be described as a completley emotional fucking train wreck for me. It all began a few weeks ago when I checked into Bassett Hospital in Cooperstown, NY on an early monday morning spent driving against the hordes of Orioles fans who had converged into town to pay respect to Cal Ripken Jr.'s enshrinement into the Baseball Hall of Fame. I had been dealing with excruciating back pains that had been plagueing me for weeks. It took just one scan to reveal the awful truth- I had been livinh with a crushed L2 vertebrae for the previous four weeks. I went infor a khyphoplasty to have thr spine repaired, and felt a lot better. The next week I had another round of chemotherapy, and felt like I was getting back on track.

For a while. While my back was beginning to recover, my left legs were beginning to experience pain. Nerve pain. And it was getting worse. So on thursday I checked back into the hospital to try and get my pain under control. Immediately I had an MRI of my spine, and found out that ther was something causing pressure that was eliminating the use of my hip flexors. Than the difficult questions began to arise. What was the cause, and how could it be remedied? Unfortunately, I was not having an easy time geting answers. Two different neurosurgeons giving me opposite opinions on the same procedure.

Being a summer weekend, the upstate docs were having a hard time communicating with my downstate docs. And when the finally managed to connect, the news that was given to me was quite morbid. One of my Doctors from NYC was surprised that I was still alive, and thought I had 3-6 months left to live. That really was like a Bruce Lee kick to the back of the skull. In the meantime, I was losing so much strength in my legs that I was unable to walk on my own. My lower body was virtually useless,and my upper body was getting weaker. Needless to say, I spent much of Sunday in tears, absolutely bawling.

Things picked up on Monday, however. Even though an MRI to my head revealed that there was now cancerous activity in my brain, there was still some hope. A new oncologist had suggested a form of chemotherapy in combination with radiation. This gave me a much needed breath of fresh air. I felt as if I had survived an emotional train wreck, and I had now been dragged from the wreckage and could walk away from the disaster of the last several days.

Today I had some pre-radition tests, and will begin chemo and radiation treatment tomorrow. I am finally feeling agood again, despite the fact that I can't walk on my own, and am battling a lot of pain. But I know that in the past I have found new strengths from within my inner being, and that I must dig deeper than before to find even more strength to get me through this. Which, of course, I will. Casious Clay was hit more than Sonny Listion, but Cassious still won the fight.

Nils

Tour de Chemo stages 9-13

Well, we'll start with the good news first: My appetite has improved dramaticaly. Granted, it's nowhere near what it used to be, but at least I'm eating normal food on a semi-regular basis again. But it's probably not enough. I weighed myself the other day, and I was less than 165 pounds. I haven't been this light since I was nineteen! Yet, I still have a little bit of a gut going on! I mean, if I'm going to go through all of this pain and suffering, the least they could do would be to give me a flat stomach out of this whole ordeal.

Unfortunately, the back pain hasn't seemed to have improved too much, if at all. Spengin seven hours in a car yesterday did not help. I was really hurting yesterday when I got home from NYC, and could not deal with it. I was still in severe pain this morning, and had a hard time getting down the stairs this morning. I could not tolerate it, and I wondered how much more of this shit I could take.

I decided that at this point I would try anything, so I went to see an accupuncturist. Hell, matbe getting stuck with a bunch of needles would at least distract me from the pain. Tuns out this was a lot less painful than I thought it would be. Hopefully it will do something about my back. Seriously, this back pain is the worst. I could deal with the nausea and fatigue if every little movement didn't hurt, and I could rest in a comfortable position.

Tour de Chemo- Stage 8

Today's progress could best be summed up with two words: "sesame chicken". For the first time in almost a week I felt like eating real food. I was craving Chinese food, General Tso's chicken in particular. But with developing mouth sores, I decided to go for something a little bit milder. So I sent my dad on a mission to the Ming Moon. Eating half a portion was a major accomplishment, but the fact that I had a craving for a specific food item was even more important in the grand scheme of things.

I also managed to get a perscription for some muscle relaxers, which will hopefully help to cut down on some of the back pains I have been feeling these last few weeks. The back pain has been worse than the chemo effects, mainly because they have been keeping me from getting comfortable enough to get any real rest.

I'm feeling much more optimistic now than I was earlier in the week. When I felt like pure hell, a wave of pessimism came over me. But feeling better, as well as a few encouraging e-mails, have really improved my morale.

Tour de Chemo- Stages 3-7

Well, the good feelings of the first few days would not last. Sunday evening I began to hit the wall. I was at a barbecue, and even though I managed to eat a little bit, I could feel myself starting to fade. I went home, and basically was horizontal for a long time.

Monday was probably the worst day of them all. I probably set a personal record for the most amount of sleep in 24 hours. Plus, it was extremely hot and humid, making things very uncomfortable. I puked for the first time. And adding insult to injury, it was my birthday.

The next couple of days were better. Dehydration was a major enemy, and I had to make an effort to put fluids into my body. I also barely ate the previous day, so forcing calories into my system was another important task.

I've been trying to eat and drink, despite the feelings of uneasiness in my stomach. At least it's cooled down a bit, so I don't have the heat to worry about. Hopefully I start to feel better these next few days. Being confined to the couch and watching TV, especially on a nice day like today, is incredibly tough to take.

Tour de Chemo- Stage 2

Well, perhaps the lucky number 7 was what kept me from feeling sick. All day I was waiting to feel like hell, but it never happenned. Granted, I was tired, and spent most of the day on the couch. Good thingthere was about five hours of Tour de France coverage, which made being a couch potato a little bit easier to deal with. Of course, I wished I was riding my bike myself, instead of watching other people ride.

All things considered, it was not a bad day. I ddn't feel sick, managed to eat a decent amount, and was even able to enjoy the neighbor's fireworks display. Actualy, they outdid themselves this year. I have no idea how much they spent on fireworks this year, but the show this year was almost professional. A long way from bottle rockets and firecrackers.

Tour de Chemo- Stage 1 complete

Man, talk about a long assed day. Over fourteen hours from start to finish. It's amazing how exhausting sitting around can be.

I woke up around 8 AM, and showered. I tried to eat a bit of breakfast, but I wasn't hungry. Nerves were certainly on overdrive. I even felt a bit queasy. Great, if I was queasy in the morning, how the fuck would I feel when my body was pumped full of toxic chemicals? I managed to eat about a half bagel and some juice. Buy 9, we were in the car, en route to NYC. I tried to nap a bit in the car, and ate some Twizzlers on the Thruway. Red food, you know.

We crossed the GWB around 11:40, and had to make a critical decision- where to eat lunch. I still wasn't feeling all to hungry, and was mainly worried that anything I ate I would just end up puking back up later. I immediately decided that a plate of greasy meat and potatoes at the Dallas BBQ was out of the question. I decided on the Fibe Bistro, where I had a salad.

At 1:00, I checked into the hospital for my treatment. After waiting for over an hour, somebody told me that the were waiting on my bloodwork. The brilliant receptionist failed to mention that the vampires would be sucking blood, so that pretty much meant I wasted an entire hour watching CNN when I could have been receiving my medicine.

Around 3:00 I finally began my treatment. We were informed that it would be about a four hour process. Wonderful. I neglected to bring any reading material, and I didn't have my computer with me so I could watch a DVD. I sent Dad and Kira on a mission, and they returned with the latest from Chuck Klosterman. Kira also bought me a bobblehead turtle from a street vendor, which was to be my good luck mojo.

After an hour, I was feeling tired and took a nap. That was a great way to pass another hour. I kept waiting for the sickness to set in, but it never did. I even ate a little bit of Chex Mix during treatment, as well as some chocolate-raspberry cookies. Actually, I probably overindulged on the cookies, because I wasn't hungry for anything when we got out of the hospital.

We headed back upstate, and I was surprised to see so little traffic on the G-Dub and the Thruway for a Friday night in the summer. After about an hour, I was ready to eat, and we stopped in New Paltz to grab a bite at the diner. The diner had those jukeboxes in every booth, and it felt like we were in the final episode of the Sopranos. Unfortunately, they didn't have "Don't Stop Believin'", so we settled on Billy Joel instead. I ate a cup of soup and half of a corned beef sandwich.

After dinner, we drove through the town time forgot (New Paltz if full of hippies who have probably been there since they got left behind by their buddies at the original Woodstock festival), and headed home. By the time we got back, it was almost 11:30, and I was absolutely exhausted. But I didn't feel sick, which was good. took some anti-nausea meds just to be safe, and went to sleep.